Pep Talk

My husband often gets irritated with me when I try to engage in a deep, meaningful, conversation with my eldest son about some behavioral issue.  The husband basically tells me to quit trying to "talk about it" and just tell the child what he needs to do or not do.  He thinks the only response needed when the boys ask why is "because I said so".

He has a point.  Sometimes I just need to give instruction and not answer the "why".

But I really do want the kids to understand what in the heck I'm thinking when I make decisions and I want to open myself up to their questions.

I feel that if I explain why wearing shoes in the house is a problem or why they need to come in the house 20 minutes before dinner, or why they need to take a shower, they will understand where I am coming from and maybe even see the value it my decision.

Matt thinks if I give explanations, I am weakening the foundation of first time obedience.  He may be right in some cases, and quite honestly sometimes my valiant effort to help the kids understand blows up in my face.

Eli calls these deep, meaningful, conversations "pep talks".  I have no idea why, there is really nothing peppy about them.

Last night on the way home from church Eli and I engaged in a pep talk about being physically rough with one of his friends.  These two boys are two peas in a pod.  They love rip-sticks, all things playing outside, and they seem to not get enough of playing with each other.  However, they are both pretty physical in their play and it is a bit concerning for a parent.
My concern is for two reasons.  Jeans have been ripped, flesh has been torn, and there has been blood spilled as a result of their games, so my main concern is their health and safety.  A typical game for these guys is something that looks like rip-stick soccer with an added twist of roller derby.
The second reason why I am concerned about their physical play is that kids their age are typically too immature to handle "play" pushing, hitting, or wrestling. One minute everyone is laughing and the next minute someone is hitting back for real, no "play" about it.

In the last few days there have been a few instances where Eli was playing around with his friends and the joking around on his part turned to legitimate anger and thrown blows from the friend.  They still like each other and look forward to afternoon play in the neighborhood, but I worry that one of these days their friendship won't recover.

So during our pep talk I was explaining to Eli why I think it would be a good idea for him to keep his hands to himself with his buddy, even if he is just joking around.  I yammered on a bit and then gave Eli the chance to comment.

This is usually the time when he starts crying and throwing a fit about how I don't understand, and he doesn't get why I think the way I do, and so on.

He started off with his "I'm saying 'yes mom' with my lips but in my head I'm poking your eyes out" defensive attitude, but then his tone changed and started to talk to me.  He told me that he has noticed that his friend tends to get violent, more serious than joking, whenever people around him are playing around hitting or pushing each other.  He agreed that maybe his friend can't handle that kind of rough play, and to preserve the friendship he should avoid it with that friend.

I pulled in to the driveway and took a deep breath.  

This is why I have those irritating pep talks with the boy.  Because I wan't to prepare him to make these type of observations on his own.  I want him to see how I think and apply similar problem solving or decision making skills to his own life.

We don't always get to know the "why" in decisions others make that impact us, and that is not what it is about.  It is about teaching him to think about what he knows to be good and true and use it as a measuring stick for the actions he is considering in his life.

As we got out of the van I pulled Eli to my side and told him how proud I am that he was able to make this decision to lay off rough housing.  And when I looked into his big browns, my heart melted a little. Oh my sweet boy (who has intermittent bouts of insanity) I love you so and just know that you will be a problem solver, a thoughtful being, and amazing young man one day.  I pray I can continue to push you in that general direction.