Nov 18, 2015

At the Walmarts looking for a blacklight.

So last night around 7pm after cleaning up the first puddle up pee at the top of the stairs, I started to freak out.  In my mind, there is urine lurking all over my house seeping into the carpet, padding and boards underneath.  It is actually carpet eating bacteria and the carpet is getting eaten by this toxic sludge of urine that is surely now covering every inch of the house.
In the midst of my freakout I remember that backlights can reveal urine stains.
I headed up the street to Lowes to buy a black light.
Plan in motion.
Since I live a mere mile from my local Lowes, this little problem could be solved in a quick minute. I'll run in to the store grab a black light and get all CSI on my house in search of covert pee.
Find the pee, clean the pee, sleep well.
Although Lowes website advertised a blacklight flashlight they didn't have one.  Disappointed because my plan was squashed and the carpet eating urine was still at work back at the house, I decided to check and see if my local walmart had a flashlight.  I'm in luck, they sell them and according the website they have some in-stock.
I arrive at walmart around 8pm.  I notice the parking lot is super empty.  Yay!  I'm in luck.
I'm looking around the lightbulb aisle when I catch a glimpse of a guy with a cart coming around the corner at the end of the aisle.  I wonder "is that a worker?" because I wasn't having any luck finding a flashlight in the lightbulb department and I needed some assistance.
The guy passed me pretty quickly and headed for the emergency exit.
A blacklight lightbulb went off in my head.  Something isn't right here.  You can't leave through that door or the alarm will sound.  The sign says so.
And just like that the not-a-Walmart-worker pushed through the doors and sure enough the alarm starts going off.  I look around and think "uh people of walmarts the alarm is going off and that dude just left with a cart of stuff".  But nobody is anywhere around.
Then, my and justice shall prevail instinct kicks in and I take a good look at the guy.
He looks back.
I look beyond him and see that the cart he is pushing is headed straight toward the black getaway SUV that was conveniently parked outside the exit door.
A heist!
Holy Cow.
So there I am dead locked eye to eye with this guy and he's thinking "hmm what's this crazy chick doing to do?  Am I going to have to kill her?"
And I'm thinking "this is fricken walmarts, whatever that dude has isn't worth a splinter in my finger let alone an altercation with a dude in a heist.
So I run.
Fast.
And I yell "that guy just stole a cart full of stuff and pushed it out the emergency door".
And then I hunkered down by the gun counter.
Not because I thought the gun counter could help me, but it was close.
The guy gets away, I crap my pants, give a description of the whole thing to the managers on duty, and then politely ask "so where are the flashlights".

I won't even go into the nitty gritty about how the computer says there are 4 flashlights in stock but not a one could be found in the store.
I head back to the flashlight aisle one last time and sure enough, there is one, on the floor.  Obviously, I mean where else do you keep your flashlight?

So by this point it is 9pm.
Dog peed, I was defeated at Lowes, pants shat at the walmarts, never-ending search for a blacklight and finally I find myself at a register.
Of course my first attempt at the self-checkout is a total bust.  It is flashing and blinking because my "bag isn't recognized".  So I head over to the 20 items or less checker.
The lady in front of me spends $66.  Or shall I say gathered $66 worth of stuff.  I'm not sure what all was in her hands but there were Oreos, fig newtons, baby formula and 2 bottles of seagrams gin.  She attempted to check out using her debit card but it wouldn't work.  So she tried another card.  She tried to split the order between the two cards.... after standing behind her for 10 minutes while she was trying to find some soduku equation to get all this crap paid for I screamed at the top of my lungs "HEY CRAZY WALMART WHITE TRASH PIECE OF CRAP WHY NOT JUST BUY THE BABY FORMULA AND THE OREOS AND MOVE ON".  I screamed using my inside my head voice so she couldn't hear me.
I finally had enough though and put my black light, vitamin water and chocolate in my basket and turned to find another check stand.  She was not happy about this and laid into me about being a rude bitch.
Obviously, I had to hit her over the head with the two bottles of gin, and take her baby's blanket on my way out the door.

So, if you needed a reason not to shop at the walmarts: crazy heists, soduku grocery payment.

Got the blacklight, came home, ate my chocolate an while searching the house for any hint of pee, the dog peed on the carpet.
I hit it with the blacklight and nothing showed up.

Just in case you think I'm just a bad dog borrower and I'm somehow the cause of all this flesh eating carpet eating urine....tonight I was playing catch with the dogs and the black one ran after the ball, stopped halfway before she reached it and peed on my carpet.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

Is that carpet cleaner toxic?  Because I'm about 1 patch o' pee away from drinking the entire container while looking directly into the blacklight.



Nov 17, 2015

Big Decison

So today as I reached the top of the stairs to find a puddle of dog pee, I asked myself
"self, just what are you going to do?"

Option 1:
Wait until the day before the owners come home and feed the dogs a crap ton of people food so they get sick.  Apologize upon pickup "oops sorry" and then I'm automatically excused from dog sitting over Christmas.

Option 2:
Wait until the dogs leave and then burn all of our furniture and rip out the carpet, replace it all with new stuff that couldn't possibly have been tainted by dog pee or poop.

Option 3:
Kill the dogs.

Option 4:
Declare a pooping and peeing free-for-all.  No more worries about the dogs peeing or pooping outside or the boys peeing in the toilet instead of all around it.  Just embrace it all and become that house that nobody will ever come to because they are afraid of being asked to sit down on furniture or snuggle up with a blanket.

Option 5:
Tell the owners the truth, that these are by far the worse dogs we have ever dog-sat for and there is no way in hell I will ever invite them into my house again.  Even if the world were freezing over, and an astroid was heading toward the city and if simply inviting these dogs into my house would heat the earth back up and save the entire planet from complete disaster, my answer would still be no.

Option 6:
Letting the dogs live, getting the carpets and furniture professionally cleaned and never letting another dog in my house again as long as I live.





Nov 14, 2015

Toilet Seat Drama.

My boys are the messiest urinators in the history of all time.
It is disgusting.
I'm not sure where we went wrong.
Is it biological?  Perhaps the parts are dysfunctional?
Is it poor education?  Did the person with the same functioning equipment not properly teach the others how to use it effectively?
Perhaps it is simply laziness.  Is it too much trouble to aim?  Or is it just too much trouble to clean up when things take a wrong turn?

They rarely ever pee on the seat, it is usually a direct hit on the screws and screw caps that hold the seat on to the toilet.  And then what happens next is quite disturbing.  It drips.
I'm sorry, I know it is so nasty but it is true.
It drips down the screw and onto the base of the toilet.
It stinks.
It is wretchedly nasty.
And it is most definitely a hill that I'm ready to die on.

I have nagged, badgered, yelled and threw giant tantrums for the past few years regarding the nastiness of the toilet.  And nothing has helped.
I gave up on the kids aiming properly and decided that I would instead focus on the cleanup.  No success there either.

So today I finally gave in.
I am not going to worry about pee on the screws anymore.
I am not cleaning it up.

Am I leaving it there for all to see and smell?
Nope.
I took away the seat.

The boys now have a perfectly clean toilet minus the seat.

Will they still miss?  Probably.
However, the hard part to clean, the place where the seat connects to the toilet, is gone.
Easy cleanup.

I seriously hope one of them falls into the toilet next time they sit down to take a dump.

Nov 13, 2015

Dogs like to pee on me and lick my face.

maybe not at the same time....but they quite enjoy both separately.
Dogs hate me.

We are dog sitting two poodles.
The owner came over with them a month or so ago to see how the dogs liked us and the house and kind of just introduce us to make the dog-sitting go better.
The dogs were amazing.  They do all these great tricks.  They dance, and shake, lay down, roll over, and ring a bell when they need to go poodle doo outside.
One jumped up on my lap and fell asleep while we were visiting.  The dogs are all snuggly and non-shedding and clean.
We were looking forward to these amazing little fur-babies' visit.

And then they arrived.

The first night went ok.  One of the dogs likes to clean her butt or suck her toes or something all night which was highly annoying.  And then the other one started having nightmares or something and was growling/whining/snoring in her sleep.
We made it through the night and I was greeted by a nice little puddle of pee on the wood floor in the morning.
Though irritated, I have a standard grace period for doggy guests of 24 hours.  They were probably a little uncomfortable with their new environment and I could not have understood her cues or perhaps she didn't know where she was suppose to go to ring her bell.  I cleaned up the pee made a second cup of coffee to get me moving and went on about my day.

At 3:30pm Gabe found poop on the carpet.
Although Matt was home ALL day, he claimed it was my fault that she pooped on the carpet.  Since I didn't tell him that she didn't go in the morning, he wasn't vigilant to watch for potty work and therefore he didn't encourage her to poop.  Somehow that logic makes it my fault.

I would like to point out at there is a "wee-wee pad" right by the door.  The owners said it was for emergency use in case we are gone a long time.
Ahem.

Floor wet.
Carpet pooped on.
Wee-wee pad dry.

Around 10pm I headed up to bed.  It was windy and chilly last night so I was planning to watch a show on the iPad in bed instead of on the couch.  I tossed the iPad onto the bed, got in my jams, and then came back and snuggled in.
But wait...
When I picked up my iPad to start my show it was wet.
And then I realized I was laying under a puddle of poodle pee.

A DOG PEED ON MY BED!

Since we were all home all night, and readily available to answer to the dogs ding-a-linging the pee-pee bell, I am completely convinced this pe-incident was not an accident.  It was a calculated plan to strike out against me for some reason that I don't know.

Obviously, I freaked out.
I stripped the bed, assessed the damage, re-made the bed, yelled at the dogs and then cleaned the iPad.
Suddenly these well trained dogs lost their ability to even respond to their names.

Then I was furious.  Where else has the dogs peed or pooped?  Is there urine and feces lingering around my house just waiting for me to step in in?
I hopped out of bed and started Operation Find the Poodle Pee and Poodle Doo.  I searched the house top to bottom looking for any unwanted poodle waste.  I paid special attention to my Afghan rug that Matt bought me while he was deployed.  If there was anything hanging around, I didn't see it, step in it or smell it.

I finally went to bed at midnight.
I woke up at 6 and around 6:30 came out of the room to take the dogs down to go potty.  I noticed one of the dogs was already up, the other still sleeping soundly at the foot of the bed.

And then....I came down stairs and SURPRISE dog crap in the living room very, very close but not quite touching my Afghan rug.
That little brat had an "accident" in the 6.5 hours from midnight when we took them out last until 6:30am?
I think not.
The dogs are mocking me.
They hate me.
And they are torturing me.

I came home from work today and sat down next to Matt on the couch.  The white one was farting up a storm.  I thought that little beast might actually be crapping as she snored on the couch and then the black one hopped on my lap all loving and sweet.  And proceeding to lick the flesh off my nose.

Dog licks butt.
Dog licks my nose.
Dog may as well rubbed her butt on my nose.

Dogs hate me.




Nov 9, 2015

Late in the afternoon on August 1st I sat beside my grandma and opened up the Bible.  I asked her earlier in the week if she wanted me to read to her and she said "no", but this day was different, she was more aware and she welcomed the offer.
I turned to Isaiah.  The best thing about Isaiah is the second half of the book is super encouraging.  If you need a pick me up, its an easy "go to".  Do not start at the beginning of Isaiah, that is not encouraging at all.  In fact it is down right scary and that isn't exactly something to read when you are feeling uneasy.
So there we were in Isaiah.  I don't know where I began but eventually I found myself in Isaiah 61.  The last few verses of the passage talk about a bridegroom and a bride.  Every time I read this verse I remember a small part of a song that has stuck with me since I was young.
I went to church with my grandparents when we visited them on weekends.  At some point there was a pastor at the church that wrote a song taken from these verses in Isaiah.  After I read the scripture I told my grandma about my memories of the song and I how I can still hear and picture the pastor and his wife singing the song.  She smiled, she remembered, and she talked to me about the pastor, the song, and the verses in Isaiah.
It was August 1st.
I'll remember that day forever.
It is the day my grandma ate a few tablespoons of cottage cheese with peaches.  And it was the day we talked about things of the past, plans in the future, and what was going on with her health.
She told me "this is the hard part of getting old".  She held my hand, she comforted me, she looked deeply into my eyes and read my fear and sadness.
August 1st was the first day she could really have a conversation with me since last April, and also the last.  It was my bonus day before she slipped away.
Currently on my christian radio station there is a song by Christian Stanfill called "Even So Come" and there is a line in the song "like a bridegroom waiting for her groom"....  And every single time I hear that part of that song I remember August 1st.
And my heart breaks as I remember the conversation, and the days that followed, and her last breath.
It breaks, as I remember that day, and those fleeting moments with my grandma.
Then it is restored because the scripture we were talking about is written with anticipation of the greatness that will be reality when the Lord comes and those are the days Grandma loved to read about and waited patiently for.
My heart is restored because that greatness is also fulfilled when we enter into heaven.  "To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of morning and garments of praise instead of a spirit of despair".  Just 13 days later she entered into heaven.  No longer a bride waiting but she was there, in that place where all pain and sorrow are washed away.  Her struggle was no longer and she could finally truly rest in the peace of God her savior.




Nov 7, 2015

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

That pretty much explains my absence from this place.
Work schmork.
It has been a less than desirable start to the year.
I spend way too much time complaining about workplace drama.
I've shed tears of anger.
I've shed tears of frustration.
I've said some naughty words.
I've been a mean girl.
I've called Matt and asked him to come get me and take me home because I was quitting.
(The minor humor in that is, I drive myself to work and there is actually no legitimate reason that I would need him to come get me so I could quit.)
The only thing keeping me from losing my mind is that two of the people I work with are really awesome.  Like puts aside their own work to help me with mine and brings me fresh apple donuts and cider to my house on a a rainy Saturday.  Their awesomeness, and my commitment to them, keeps me from taking my stapler and stomping out the door.
It also helps that at this point I am just trying to get through this year.  I have no idea what the future holds, as far as where Matt and I will be next year, so there is no need to spend my energy thinking about whether or not I want to tie myself to this horse beyond this year.

I shouldn't let the goings on at my mess of a workplace take the joy out of other areas of my life!  Its my life and work is a part of it, not IT.  So I am moving on.  Mentally and emotionally starting today, I'm leaving my workplace mayhem at my desk and not letting it seep into the many things in my life that are simply awesome and amazing and beautiful.

1.  I went on a girl's trip to Canada with the ladies I developed a strong bond with in Germany.  We had a great time.  We laughed, we talked, I shed a few tears, we shopped, we ate, we hiked and kayaked, we caught up with each other, and laughed some more.  It is an amazing blessing that God placed us all together at that particular time and place in Germany and that each of us have remained committed to keeping this relationship alive despite the distances that are between us.  I am so incredibly thankful for these ladies and for our annual getaway.

2.  My girlfriend knit me a blanket.  If you have never had a blanket knit for you out of super cozy, cuddly, soft yarn in beautiful colors then you are missing out.  I cried when I opened the gift.  I was simply overwhelmed that my friend spent so much time and effort to make such a treasure for me.  It is amazing and I'm not sharing.  Seriously, if you are ever at my house and feel drawn to cuddle up with my giant blankie, resist.  Get your own friend that knits blankets.

3.  I spent my birthday with the cousins.  They came down to have lunch and cake with me and then we went to dinner and a Sounders match.  I had such a great day.  It was a nice mix of family, food, and fun sporting events.  I am so blessed that these peeps are so close to me and that we get to share so much of our lives together.
Another highlight of the day was some Facebook posts by friends and family.  A handful of people posted pictures of me and that person.  I loved it.  Pictures allow me to relive moments and remember the times surrounding them. So it was fun to have people remind me of great times I shared with them.
This is my last year in my 30's.  I really have nothing to add to that comment.

4.  I started my Christmas shopping.  I don't mean "hey I bought A Christmas gift".  I mean I have bought numerous Christmas gifts and I have a bunch of ideas for more, which makes me super happy.  I love giving gifts that are well thought out.  I love when I see something and a lightbulb goes off that says "hey give that to this person".  I hate last minute gift giving for the sake of slapping my name on a gift.  That isn't magical or fun at all.  So yay!

5.  This crap at work is teaching me some things.  It is teaching me some tough lessons about myself and how I take on adversity, it teaches me about others' integrity, and it is really challenging me to take responsibility for my own attitude.  I'm determined to come out of this integrity intact and a better stronger person.