Regret (verb): to think of with a sense of loss.

While I have made quite a few mistakes and poor choices in my life there are only a few things that I regret. Every day I do things that I wish I could take back, but as far as things that I "think of with a sense of loss", thankfully there are not too many.
As I was cleaning out my closet and sorting things into piles "toss", "storage", "Germany" and "hmm?" I came across our video camera. My heart sank.
I have never been good at capturing our life on video tape. My sister gave us her old camera shortly after we got married, and I can only think of a few times that we actually used it. I remember carrying it around on a trip to the Big Island and every single time I started to video tape something I left the lens cap on, so each segment of footage begins with me taking it off. I also left it on long past when I thought it was on and ended up taping things like my pocket or the inside of the backpack.
I hated carrying the camera around, I didn't enjoy taping, and then there is the nightmare that was involved in transferring all that 8mm tape to a VHS tape. So, when my sister's camera bit the dust I wasn't too heartbroken.
Then just a few weeks before I gave birth to Eli I decided we needed a new video camera. I strongly encouraged Matt to go buy us a video camera. He asked if I was sure we needed it, and I emphatically claimed we did. We HAD to document our baby right? Digital cameras were just coming out at the time and cost more than we paid for our mortgage so we opted for the Hi-8. Whatever that means.
Today, when I found the camera I dusted it off, plugged it in, rewound the tape that was in the camera, and pressed play.
August 2003. Eli is almost 1 year old. The video shows a few minutes of him playing with our neighbor. Sept 2003. 3 weeks after Eli's birthday (did I even tape his birthday? no apparently not). Eli is playing in the yard and with some toys. Dec 2003, a few entries, Eli dancing, checking out the Christmas tree, and then Christmas morning opening gifts with daddy - who by the way returned home from Iraq the night before. Also, not on the tape. The next entry was Christmas 2004! I should mention that by this time Gabriel is a baby and there is no video of the child during the first 3 months of his life. Jan 2005 there is a clip of Gabe in the tub and Eli, now 2 talking to me on camera and then the tape ends.
I sat with tears rolling down my face. I forgot what Eli sounded like when he was a little 2 year old. I forgot what he looked like when he was a new walker. I forgot how Matt interacted with Eli after being gone for nearly a year.
Then I cried some more. I mourned the loss of all the things that I should have video taped the boys doing and just didn't. First steps, birthdays, signing, talking, running, playing with each other, daddy coming home from Korea, t-ball, soccer, swim lessons, school musicals, and the list goes on.
I have no recording of Gabe's little voice at 2 years old or clips of him when he was toddling along. Although I only have a few minutes of Eli's toddler years on tape, it is something. As for Gabriel, I'll never hear his little baby voice again. All those years. 4 years of not taping anything at all.
My excuse for not taping was that it was such a hassle. I still think it is a hassle. But maybe it would have been worth it.
I have tons of pictures of the boys doing their everyday things, They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. If that is true, what is a video worth?
After I wiped the tears from my eyes I took the camera to the boys room, plugged it in (the battery still isn't charged) and started taping.

Comments

Christy said…
I know the feeling...do you have one of those newer digital cameras with a video recorder on it? Those are awesome. I take a picture, I take a video, and it's all in the tiny little camera that I tote around with generally little frustration.

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