I've been writing on this blog for over a decade. My frequency of posting is directly related to what is going on in our lives. Sometimes we are really busy and I don't have time to post, sometimes nothing is going on and there seems to be nothing to write about. The absence in writing over these past few months isn't due to busyness or lack of excitement in our lives, it is because we are going through a difficult, heavy time.
I probably haven't written about what is going on out of shame, feeling like we have failed as parents, out of pride, I'm not sure anyone really wants to talk about the wrong choices their kids are making, and lastly because it isn't a fun read. It is heartbreaking and painful and raw, and because we are still in it, there is not a final paragraph that reveals a happy ending.
My chest is tightening even as a type right now. There is an overwhelming amount of tears stored up in my eyes just waiting for permission to be released. There are silent prayers on repeat in my head "please God protect him, please God keep him safe, please God shake him, wake him up, let him see that his choices are destructive to himself".
Every once in a while for years now, the thought will pass through my head that the other shoe is waiting to drop. I actually don't even know what that saying means - other than everything seems to be ok right now but having a feeling like that could all change in a moment. Our life is blessed. We have two healthy boys, who somehow made it through childhood without any broken bones or stitches. They may not always make smart choices but they are smart enough that academics aren't a challenge for them, friends come easy, their smiles are beautiful and their presence is welcomed. We are blessed. None of us have had any horrible accidents or been diagnosed with a deadly disease. We haven't lost our parents, we have a warm, comfortable home and we are able to live our dreams. As I hear stories about other people's tragedies I often fear that mine is about to hit at any moment. I acknowledge these dark thoughts but try not to dwell on them and instead chose to enjoy the life we have while we have it.
Today started at 3am with me sitting straight up in bed when an alarm went off indication someone was at our front door. Within seconds I was watching a video of my child leaving my house with another person. I'll spare the details of the hunt, the panic, the prayers, the fears and the overwhelming disappointment. I'm thankful to share that within minutes the kid was home and I was trying to unravel the early morning events.
My hope and prayers over the past few months have been that God would protect the kids, and that I would be unbelievably in-tune to what they are doing. And supernaturally, I woke up at 3am this morning to the barely detectable humm of my phone vibrating, indicating the motion sensors were tripped. And somehow I managed to find the most amazingly hidden items in a kid's room - I'm talking spy level of hiding. While those things do give me comfort and peace through these difficult times, my heart is still breaking and I'm still scared out of my mind about how far this kid is going to go before he stops being self-destructive, and I'm afraid that the hopes and dreams that he had for himself and that we have for him will not be reached.
He isn't yet who he is going to be.
The few words that remind me that he is a work in progress, and he is in the hands of one mighty God and his name is on the lips of about a half dozen people who are praying for him daily.
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