At the Walmarts looking for a blacklight.
So last night around 7pm after cleaning up the first puddle up pee at the top of the stairs, I started to freak out. In my mind, there is urine lurking all over my house seeping into the carpet, padding and boards underneath. It is actually carpet eating bacteria and the carpet is getting eaten by this toxic sludge of urine that is surely now covering every inch of the house.
In the midst of my freakout I remember that backlights can reveal urine stains.
I headed up the street to Lowes to buy a black light.
Plan in motion.
Since I live a mere mile from my local Lowes, this little problem could be solved in a quick minute. I'll run in to the store grab a black light and get all CSI on my house in search of covert pee.
Find the pee, clean the pee, sleep well.
Although Lowes website advertised a blacklight flashlight they didn't have one. Disappointed because my plan was squashed and the carpet eating urine was still at work back at the house, I decided to check and see if my local walmart had a flashlight. I'm in luck, they sell them and according the website they have some in-stock.
I arrive at walmart around 8pm. I notice the parking lot is super empty. Yay! I'm in luck.
I'm looking around the lightbulb aisle when I catch a glimpse of a guy with a cart coming around the corner at the end of the aisle. I wonder "is that a worker?" because I wasn't having any luck finding a flashlight in the lightbulb department and I needed some assistance.
The guy passed me pretty quickly and headed for the emergency exit.
A blacklight lightbulb went off in my head. Something isn't right here. You can't leave through that door or the alarm will sound. The sign says so.
And just like that the not-a-Walmart-worker pushed through the doors and sure enough the alarm starts going off. I look around and think "uh people of walmarts the alarm is going off and that dude just left with a cart of stuff". But nobody is anywhere around.
Then, my and justice shall prevail instinct kicks in and I take a good look at the guy.
He looks back.
I look beyond him and see that the cart he is pushing is headed straight toward the black getaway SUV that was conveniently parked outside the exit door.
A heist!
Holy Cow.
So there I am dead locked eye to eye with this guy and he's thinking "hmm what's this crazy chick doing to do? Am I going to have to kill her?"
And I'm thinking "this is fricken walmarts, whatever that dude has isn't worth a splinter in my finger let alone an altercation with a dude in a heist.
So I run.
Fast.
And I yell "that guy just stole a cart full of stuff and pushed it out the emergency door".
And then I hunkered down by the gun counter.
Not because I thought the gun counter could help me, but it was close.
The guy gets away, I crap my pants, give a description of the whole thing to the managers on duty, and then politely ask "so where are the flashlights".
I won't even go into the nitty gritty about how the computer says there are 4 flashlights in stock but not a one could be found in the store.
I head back to the flashlight aisle one last time and sure enough, there is one, on the floor. Obviously, I mean where else do you keep your flashlight?
So by this point it is 9pm.
Dog peed, I was defeated at Lowes, pants shat at the walmarts, never-ending search for a blacklight and finally I find myself at a register.
Of course my first attempt at the self-checkout is a total bust. It is flashing and blinking because my "bag isn't recognized". So I head over to the 20 items or less checker.
The lady in front of me spends $66. Or shall I say gathered $66 worth of stuff. I'm not sure what all was in her hands but there were Oreos, fig newtons, baby formula and 2 bottles of seagrams gin. She attempted to check out using her debit card but it wouldn't work. So she tried another card. She tried to split the order between the two cards.... after standing behind her for 10 minutes while she was trying to find some soduku equation to get all this crap paid for I screamed at the top of my lungs "HEY CRAZY WALMART WHITE TRASH PIECE OF CRAP WHY NOT JUST BUY THE BABY FORMULA AND THE OREOS AND MOVE ON". I screamed using my inside my head voice so she couldn't hear me.
I finally had enough though and put my black light, vitamin water and chocolate in my basket and turned to find another check stand. She was not happy about this and laid into me about being a rude bitch.
Obviously, I had to hit her over the head with the two bottles of gin, and take her baby's blanket on my way out the door.
So, if you needed a reason not to shop at the walmarts: crazy heists, soduku grocery payment.
Got the blacklight, came home, ate my chocolate an while searching the house for any hint of pee, the dog peed on the carpet.
I hit it with the blacklight and nothing showed up.
Just in case you think I'm just a bad dog borrower and I'm somehow the cause of all this flesh eating carpet eating urine....tonight I was playing catch with the dogs and the black one ran after the ball, stopped halfway before she reached it and peed on my carpet.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
Is that carpet cleaner toxic? Because I'm about 1 patch o' pee away from drinking the entire container while looking directly into the blacklight.
In the midst of my freakout I remember that backlights can reveal urine stains.
I headed up the street to Lowes to buy a black light.
Plan in motion.
Since I live a mere mile from my local Lowes, this little problem could be solved in a quick minute. I'll run in to the store grab a black light and get all CSI on my house in search of covert pee.
Find the pee, clean the pee, sleep well.
Although Lowes website advertised a blacklight flashlight they didn't have one. Disappointed because my plan was squashed and the carpet eating urine was still at work back at the house, I decided to check and see if my local walmart had a flashlight. I'm in luck, they sell them and according the website they have some in-stock.
I arrive at walmart around 8pm. I notice the parking lot is super empty. Yay! I'm in luck.
I'm looking around the lightbulb aisle when I catch a glimpse of a guy with a cart coming around the corner at the end of the aisle. I wonder "is that a worker?" because I wasn't having any luck finding a flashlight in the lightbulb department and I needed some assistance.
The guy passed me pretty quickly and headed for the emergency exit.
A blacklight lightbulb went off in my head. Something isn't right here. You can't leave through that door or the alarm will sound. The sign says so.
And just like that the not-a-Walmart-worker pushed through the doors and sure enough the alarm starts going off. I look around and think "uh people of walmarts the alarm is going off and that dude just left with a cart of stuff". But nobody is anywhere around.
Then, my and justice shall prevail instinct kicks in and I take a good look at the guy.
He looks back.
I look beyond him and see that the cart he is pushing is headed straight toward the black getaway SUV that was conveniently parked outside the exit door.
A heist!
Holy Cow.
So there I am dead locked eye to eye with this guy and he's thinking "hmm what's this crazy chick doing to do? Am I going to have to kill her?"
And I'm thinking "this is fricken walmarts, whatever that dude has isn't worth a splinter in my finger let alone an altercation with a dude in a heist.
So I run.
Fast.
And I yell "that guy just stole a cart full of stuff and pushed it out the emergency door".
And then I hunkered down by the gun counter.
Not because I thought the gun counter could help me, but it was close.
The guy gets away, I crap my pants, give a description of the whole thing to the managers on duty, and then politely ask "so where are the flashlights".
I won't even go into the nitty gritty about how the computer says there are 4 flashlights in stock but not a one could be found in the store.
I head back to the flashlight aisle one last time and sure enough, there is one, on the floor. Obviously, I mean where else do you keep your flashlight?
So by this point it is 9pm.
Dog peed, I was defeated at Lowes, pants shat at the walmarts, never-ending search for a blacklight and finally I find myself at a register.
Of course my first attempt at the self-checkout is a total bust. It is flashing and blinking because my "bag isn't recognized". So I head over to the 20 items or less checker.
The lady in front of me spends $66. Or shall I say gathered $66 worth of stuff. I'm not sure what all was in her hands but there were Oreos, fig newtons, baby formula and 2 bottles of seagrams gin. She attempted to check out using her debit card but it wouldn't work. So she tried another card. She tried to split the order between the two cards.... after standing behind her for 10 minutes while she was trying to find some soduku equation to get all this crap paid for I screamed at the top of my lungs "HEY CRAZY WALMART WHITE TRASH PIECE OF CRAP WHY NOT JUST BUY THE BABY FORMULA AND THE OREOS AND MOVE ON". I screamed using my inside my head voice so she couldn't hear me.
I finally had enough though and put my black light, vitamin water and chocolate in my basket and turned to find another check stand. She was not happy about this and laid into me about being a rude bitch.
Obviously, I had to hit her over the head with the two bottles of gin, and take her baby's blanket on my way out the door.
So, if you needed a reason not to shop at the walmarts: crazy heists, soduku grocery payment.
Got the blacklight, came home, ate my chocolate an while searching the house for any hint of pee, the dog peed on the carpet.
I hit it with the blacklight and nothing showed up.
Just in case you think I'm just a bad dog borrower and I'm somehow the cause of all this flesh eating carpet eating urine....tonight I was playing catch with the dogs and the black one ran after the ball, stopped halfway before she reached it and peed on my carpet.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
Is that carpet cleaner toxic? Because I'm about 1 patch o' pee away from drinking the entire container while looking directly into the blacklight.
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