I Cried to the Lord

Psalm 118:5-6

In my anguish I cried to the Lord and He answered by setting me free.

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

My day began yesterday with a text from my dad letting me know that my grandpa, my mom's dad, had a stroke.  He suffered some paralyses but was still able to speak, eat, and drink, though labored.

I immediately started making plans to head to California this weekend to see my Grandpa.  

I prayed that everything would work out for me to get down there at the right time and that things would work out for Matt to be with the boys.

By lunch, Matt and I realized he has a four-day weekend this weekend and the timing is actually perfect for me to make a quick trip.  He's going to be gone for work or busy in the coming weeks and this weekend is the only time I can go down without the boys until at least November.

Throughout the day I checked in with my sister, dad and mom.  After dinner I had a final conversation with mom and booked my tickets to arrive on Thursday night.  Grandpa typical only stays awake for a short time so I planned to pop in and see him once a day throughout my long weekend.

As Matt and I laid down I talked to Matt more about the reports I got from my family during the day.  I wasn't sure how my visit would go, how alert my grandpa was going to be, but I was glad to have all the details worked out and that I would see him soon.

At 1:45am my phone rang.

My sister.

She didn't bother with pleasantries.  Calls at that time don't require them.

"He died.  Clarissa he died.  I'm so sorry".

I fell to my knees and cried like I have never cried before in my life.

My heart was broken.

I was so close.  I would be there Thursday.

My sister talked with me as long as I needed and then I got off the phone.

One more time.  I wanted one more time.

I had a chance to see him last August but between a busy trip and some other personal things going on, I didn't go.  I thought I had more time.

I could have called him last night.  My sister was there, I could have called her and had her put the phone to his ear so I could say "I love you Grandpa" one last time.

I didn't.  I thought I had more time.  I'd see him Thursday or Friday at the latest.

There was no more time.

It wasn't about my time.  My grandpa was tired, in pain, and ready to meet his Lord and Savior face to face.  My mistakes, my poor choices, couldn't keep him from his appointment.

His nurses say he was doing well. They checked his vitals and he was stable.  Then he just stopped breathing.  

I believe grandpa called to the Lord and He did answer by finally setting him free.  And I do believe that my grandpa was not afraid because the Lord was and is with him.

I know that my grandpa is finally at peace.  I pray that God will bestow on me grace and give me peace as I struggle with my regret and loss.