Last night I slept horribly.
I should have slept great because after a week of super hot temperatures it was finally nice and cool when I went to bed, but Matt had other plans for me.
Around 3am I heard muttered grumbling and then hitting of something and then a giant whooshing sound.  I jump out of bed to figure out what in the world is going on.
Matt's sleepy machine did something he wasn't happy with and next thing you know he is disconnecting, reconnecting and then swinging this tube around like Indiana Jones.  Do you know what sound a hollow tube makes when whipped through the air wildly?  Try it.  Not amusing at 3am.
So, once my heart stopped racing I attempted to fall back to sleep.
I was somewhat successful.
I no longer tossed and turned, but my brain wouldn't rest and I had an extremely vivid, scary, dream.

The family was on a hike somewhere and we approached what looked to be a natural water slide.  The slide looked fun and scary at the same time.  Matt and I decided we didn't know enough about the slide to determine whether it was safe or not.  But Eli insisted on going down.
He just jumped in.
I panicked.
I did not want to go in after him, but I also could not stand by and watch him disappear into the unknown.

Down the slide we went.  
Eli just a bit in front of me.
It was bumpier than we imagined and while it was tolerable it was scary.
Finally, we dumped off of the slide into a pool of water.
Except it wasn't a pool of water.
It was a raging river.
The current was fierce.
We were moving along down the river at high speeds and there was no end to the river in sight.
Other people were in the water, it appeared some were drowning.

I kept yelling to Eli to not to fight the current.
"Relax your body and keep your head above the water!"

Up ahead I saw a place on the bank of the river that had the possibility for escape.
I yelled to Eli and told him to move to the left of the river and get out if he could.

He was doing it, he was off to the side and he was clambering up the side of the cliffs.
I fought hard and followed him.
We grappled our way to a grassy bank.
High above the water we sat soaked, knees bleeding and thoroughly exhausted.

He looked over at me and said "I'm so sorry mom, I dragged you into this".
And I turned to him and said "Eli, a part of me will always go where you go".
I was trying to let him know that I had to jump, even knowing I could perish, because he jumped.

And I woke up.
Scared and confused.

What was that about?
I did have a recent white water rafting incident where I took on some rapids outside of the boat.  Perhaps that was still in my head.

After a few more hours of sporadic sleep Matt woke me up and asked where his shaving cream was.
What is going on?  Does this man hate me?

As I lay in bed getting ready to start this day I was overwhelmed with this dream.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I struggled to find why I was so upset.
It wasn't the water, or the drowning, it was my words that were bringing me to tears.

A part of me will always go where you go.

Our kids will unknowingly and unintentionally drag us down raging waters of turmoil. Their understanding of our love for them is so incomplete.  Every bad decision, every rocky path they take, a part of us is there.  Their hurt is ours, their joy is ours, their success, their failure....
Even if we say we aren't going, a part of us will be on those rapids.  Because we just cannot watch them take off from the safety of the edge and pretend we aren't right there.  We hold our breath too, or we jump in along side, or we race to the finish line hoping and praying they are coming around the bend.

In my dream, in the waters, there were two things that went right.  
Eli was prepared and he listened to wisdom.
I had previously taught him to swim, and not to fight the current.
When the waters were rough and I called out to him, he took my advice.

On my run this morning the dream was still in my head.  And I took a few miles to pray over all those mamas out there who have a kid who jumped into that darn natural water slide and found themselves in the raging waters below.  I know, you are in those waters too.
God knows that you are in those waters and he's there with you.

To those who, like me, have a younger kid who hasn't tried to kill us in a river yet, prepare them and teach them to seek wisdom.  So when they do jump in the waters they have the skills to stay afloat.



Comments

Allison said…
Thinking about this, when we went tubing. Lizzy got scared so I (sorta humorously said, "a part of me will go with you) and she said, "Mom is that a Bible verse?"

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