Death Lingers
So we are still on the topic of death around here. By "we" I mean Gabe. And because Gabe is on the topic, I'm having nightmares about me dying.
Leaving church on Sunday Gabe said "I'm sure excited about going to heaven". He rambled on for a bit about why. He is looking forward to meeting the angel Gabriel. If the angel Gabriel is a boy, Gabe wants to become best friends. If it is a girl... he never come up with a use for her.
After chatting all about heaven Gabe said "I'm not afraid to die. When I die, I'm going to have a big ol smile on my face because I know I'm on my way to heaven".
As I lay in bed the other night I found my mind occupied with the thought of me dying. Have I taught them enough? Do they know how much I love them? Does Matt have the passwords to all of our on-line accounts? I pictured my boys home alone without a parent, because I was dead. I pictured Gabe so sad that I wasn't here. Eli wasn't so bothered about my absence because he's a big boy and dad is his favorite.
I found myself in tears. I'm not ready to die. I know I should be happy about going to heaven like Gabe, but the thought of me dying and leaving the boys without their mom, was crushing me.
In the wee morning hours I tried to bring rationale to my spinning brain. I'm not sick, I'm not dying any time soon, it will be ok. Then I thought about a car accident killing me or strike of lightening, burglar, school shooter, healthy person freak aneurism. There are so many causes of death that could strike at any time.
Back to rationale, well my 70 year old great grandma got hit by a bus and didn't die. My grandma is 91. I have good old genes. I'm going to be around longer than I want to be.
After sorting through all the ways I could die within the next 24 hours and trying to tell myself there was no reason to dwell on this, I decided I just needed to pray.
I asked God to please please not take me away from my kids until they are older. I want them to have a mom at home until they are grown boys who don't really think they need me anymore.
Again I was crying.
Then a quiet thought came to me. Perhaps my prayer should be that the boys be ready when it is time for me to die, or for something else bad to happen in their lives.
Not keep me alive until they are ready, but help them be ready for any adversity they may face.
And help me to live each moment with them the way I want them to remember me. Help me to be the very best mom to them I can be for as long as they call me mom - which will hopefully be for quite a while longer.
I'm thinking of banishing all death talk.
In other news. Today Gabe told me he is planning on his restaurant "Blue" only being open a few days a week because he wants to spend the rest of the week designing roller coasters.
Leaving church on Sunday Gabe said "I'm sure excited about going to heaven". He rambled on for a bit about why. He is looking forward to meeting the angel Gabriel. If the angel Gabriel is a boy, Gabe wants to become best friends. If it is a girl... he never come up with a use for her.
After chatting all about heaven Gabe said "I'm not afraid to die. When I die, I'm going to have a big ol smile on my face because I know I'm on my way to heaven".
As I lay in bed the other night I found my mind occupied with the thought of me dying. Have I taught them enough? Do they know how much I love them? Does Matt have the passwords to all of our on-line accounts? I pictured my boys home alone without a parent, because I was dead. I pictured Gabe so sad that I wasn't here. Eli wasn't so bothered about my absence because he's a big boy and dad is his favorite.
I found myself in tears. I'm not ready to die. I know I should be happy about going to heaven like Gabe, but the thought of me dying and leaving the boys without their mom, was crushing me.
In the wee morning hours I tried to bring rationale to my spinning brain. I'm not sick, I'm not dying any time soon, it will be ok. Then I thought about a car accident killing me or strike of lightening, burglar, school shooter, healthy person freak aneurism. There are so many causes of death that could strike at any time.
Back to rationale, well my 70 year old great grandma got hit by a bus and didn't die. My grandma is 91. I have good old genes. I'm going to be around longer than I want to be.
After sorting through all the ways I could die within the next 24 hours and trying to tell myself there was no reason to dwell on this, I decided I just needed to pray.
I asked God to please please not take me away from my kids until they are older. I want them to have a mom at home until they are grown boys who don't really think they need me anymore.
Again I was crying.
Then a quiet thought came to me. Perhaps my prayer should be that the boys be ready when it is time for me to die, or for something else bad to happen in their lives.
Not keep me alive until they are ready, but help them be ready for any adversity they may face.
And help me to live each moment with them the way I want them to remember me. Help me to be the very best mom to them I can be for as long as they call me mom - which will hopefully be for quite a while longer.
I'm thinking of banishing all death talk.
In other news. Today Gabe told me he is planning on his restaurant "Blue" only being open a few days a week because he wants to spend the rest of the week designing roller coasters.
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