There are three major why we wanted to move to Washington.
1. It was the very best duty stations of all the choices we had before us.
2. After 14 years of being across the country (or world) we would finally be near family….I'm counting the ones in the state and the ones just down south.
3. We would have the opportunity to end our military career in a place that we actually would like to live for the long haul.
Although I desperately wanted Fort Lewis to be our last duty station, I have struggled with the thought that this may just be our permanent home.
As I consider where I will hang pictures or what furniture I want in what room of the house, I'm tormented by the pressure of permanence. I feel like I'm hanging that picture on the wall it will stay on forever, and ever, until I die.
I do realize that even if I stay in this house forever I am allowed to take down a picture and relocate it to another room or replace it. However, I have never hung a picture before without thinking it would only be there for three years max. I'm treading on new ground here. And it is scary as hell.
I don't know what it is like to live in a house longer than 3 years. I have never budgeted for healthcare insurance. I don't know what it is like to worry about downsizing and job cuts. I absolutely do not know what it is like not to be an Army wife.
I love the military and I truly, deeply, love the lifestyle God has allowed us to have while serving this country and I am scared, worried, and flat out dragging my feet and making trenches in the sand when it comes to moving on. I don't want to leave.
Perhaps, I don't want to leave because it is simply all I've known. Maybe it is because I'm afraid of what life is like on the outside. Or it could really be because I like it so much. It doesn't matter why, it just is. And I have to let it all go. I need to lift up my feet, surrender my will, and follow my husband to wherever he will lead our family.
Tonight I had a heart to heart with Matt. On the surface I was just sharing how I feel, but deep inside I think I was trying to convince him that he too should love the Army and vow to stay forever. But after I gave my compelling speech, Matt delivered his. I must say, his was much shorter. His was also far more compelling. He said this
"I have served my Country, I did my time, I don't own them any more and I am done risking my life".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think there is no rebuttal to that argument. I truly feel ashamed to ask him to continue to do something that causes him discomfort so that I can live in plenty.
I've committed today to stop hoping that he'll change his mind and start dreaming about what our future holds.
I know it will be a tough transition for me, so I'm thankful that we are in a home we really wouldn't mind staying in, close to family, and we have three years to work on the details of separating from the Army.
I know that God will provide for us, that He has a plan for us, and that it will be a new blessed chapter of our lives. But I also know that it is a dramatic change for us and it may be tough. God has been so faithful in the past 17 years of Matt's career, I really should have no doubt that He will continue to lead us and provide for us in the next career.
Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.”
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